Levels of loneliness, suicide, distrust, and polarization are up. The arrival of the smart phone produced and an upward trend in these symptoms of alienation. Therefore, many advocate for cutting back on use of social media and other digital technology—as I did in my previous blog. Just lessening screen time will not, however, heal alienation. Just as important are the alternative activities we put in its place—such as conversation. David Brooks, in his most recent book, How to Know a Person, advocates for increasing and deepening conversation. He states, “The purpose of this book is to help us become more skilled at the art of seeing others and making them feel seen, heard, and understood” (15). “Skilled” is a key word in that sentence. We talk of the importance of “relationships,” “community,” “friendship,” and “social connection.” Brooks points out that we need social skills to actually foster and improve these entities (7-8). The majority of the book seeks to help us develop and practice those skills.
Before introducing some of the skills, I want to point out connections between his book and things I have taught and written about. Unlike bounded churches and fuzzy churches, centered churches need to become skilled at the art of seeing others. Discipling, walking with others toward Jesus, requires going beyond the superficial and truly hearing and understanding people. So, read this book to become a better discipler; read this book to better practice a centered approach. Although he does not use the term “naming,” Brooks uses language that aligns with descriptions of un-naming and naming I have borrowed from Madeline L’Engle. For instance, he contrasts diminishers, who make people feel small and unseen, with illuminators who “have a persistent curiosity about other people. . . They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, deeper, respected, lit up” (13). He could have titled the book, How to Become a Better Namer.
After describing the traits of a diminisher—things he calls us to lessen and leave behind—he has a chapter on the traits of an illuminator, which include looking at others with a gaze that is generous, loving, and beams warmth. He states that respect is a gift we give with our eyes. Brooks urges us to see people as Jesus did (30-32). Illuminators approach others with tenderness, receptivity, active curiosity and affection. They see beyond the cliché or stereotype and intentionally put aside negative evaluation and look for positive in the person (32-36).
After a couple more chapters on the character traits of an illuminator, in chapter six, Brooks turns to conversation itself—and suggests skills that will deepen and leave others feeling seen and understood.
Pay attention until the end of their comment - rather than starting to craft a response before the other has finished. Don’t fear the pause.
Be a loud listener – through facial expression and verbal response (“aha” “yes” “wow,” etc).
Favor familiarity – talk to them about things they know, love.
Ask for specifics - how they experienced it, how it impacts them now.
Do looping – ask them a question to restate (does not have to be “what I hear you saying . . .”).
Don’t be a topper – don’t respond with “I know exactly what you mean . . .”
If disagreement – go deeper for a point of agreement and/or the deeper concern under their position.
In the next chapter Brooks gives us the gift of suggesting questions to use in conversation:
Tell me about times you have felt seen.
Ask people about high school (whatever their high school fears, they are likely still there).
Where’d you grow up?
Open ended: “how did you . . .? What’s it like . . .? Tell me about . . . In what ways . . .?
What crossroads are you at?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
If the next five years is a chapter in your life, what is the chapter about?
What is working really well in your life?
What has become clearer to you as you grow older?
Tell me about a time you adapted to change?
Walk through a person’s life, for instance: what was your life like in second grade?
Stories about someone you have lost?
High points of their lives, low points, turning points
When in disagreement on a topic, rather than ideas, go narrative: how did you come to believe X?
Rather than what are your values: Tell me about the person who shaped your values most
The book not only covers other areas beyond what I have summarized above, it is filled with stories and examples that excite, motivate, and bring the lists to life. I commend it to you. Whether you read the book or only this blog, I encourage you to not just read it and move on. Rather, print out these lists, and other notes you glean from the book, look at them regularly. With prayerful intentionality seek to grow in these characteristics and use these questions.
Growth in the positive will require transformation in traits that act as barriers. For instance, to end on a personal note, these lines in the book grabbed my attention: “If you go through life with an efficiency/optimization mindset, you’re just going to drop off kids at nursery school in the shortest time possible and you and other parents will be ships passing in the night” (46). If I do not seek the Spirit’s transformative work in lessening my efficiency-loving task-orientation, reading over the list of positive illuminator traits every day will not have much impact. Which brings us back to where we started. There are things in our life we need to both lessen, and things we can add to enrich our lives. Through the empowering Spirit of Jesus and the support of others—both are possible.